I have been following a couple of stories in the news recently regarding adopted children who have severe emotional trauma, etc. And when I came across this very personal article: http://www.newsweek.com/id/236488 I felt compelled to write.

Becoming a parent has been more difficult (and rewarding, joyous, complex) than anything I'd ever anticipated. As each person is a unique individual, my experience as a parent to my particular child is unique.

I cannot imagine the terrible pain and horror that these children must have suffered, to make them act in such a way that even a loving parent could not handle it. It terrifies me, and I cannot - in a million years, I could not - understand a world in which its common practice to terrorize children.

I think it terrifies most people and they cannot process what these children must have been through. Therefore, is 'easy' to just 'imagine' that the child is really OK and that the mother or father is 'unhinged'. But what a great injustice, to the children! To pretend away their pain. Shame on them, for not thinking or feeling with their hearts, I suppose.

In American society today, there is this assumption that parenting is parenting, and that children are all the same. That all you have to do is trust or love or believe in God or WHATEVER and things will "work out" and everyone will be "normal". Boy, that's a nice fantasy, isn't it? Tell that to the mother of a child riddled with Lou Gehrig's disease, or MS. Tell that to the mother of a child with severe emotional trauma. Tell that to the mother of a child who sings at the dinner table instead of eating, who runs out into traffic for no reason, tell that to... any mother, any mother, and she will tell you that her experience in raising her child or children is completely unique and no one has the right to judge any decision she might make. You do the best you can, you try to love unconditionally, and that is all you can do.

My therapist reminded me this morning: Avery is not "mine". The temptation to claim ownership - especially when you give birth to them - is strong. But children belong to... the universe, and to themselves, alone. You are their caretakers and guides many years, but in the end they are individuals and belong to ... something else, the Universe or God, if you like. It is so sad for us, as parents, to look at our children and see solitary beings. It feels scary, and lonely. We want them to be a part of something bigger, to know that they are not alone. But they are alone. We all are. We all are. It's the way life is.

In one of my favorite books, "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rainer Maria Rilke, he talks about lots of things, especially solitude. We are a social culture, and we tend to assume that life is all about being with others, and it is. But life is also about the individual self, too. The unique individual that no one else can enter or be a part of. Rilke talks about how unsettling and scary it is, to recognize that we are each alone... but that the understanding of this is also the source of great art, music, theater, poetry. The singular soul - with all of its unique pain and joy - is a work of art. The letters are a short read and you can find several translations online, like this one: http://www.sfgoth.com/~immanis/rilke/letter1.html